"Japanese anime characters always land face first in boobs..."

what do you call an experimental poet with a green thumb? Avant-Garden.

in the future a Snickers bar will cost $15.00 and a bag of nutritional yeast kale chips will cost $7.00.

just WAXWORK if you want to WAXWORK 2, nobody cares.

"so freakinee meta"

...all I know is that if you're lost in the desert you should feed a monkey salt so it will lead you to water.

let's all dress up as the cast from Jersey Shore for Greek Easter!

a "fun bag" is a testicle right?

"the buffalo owes his extermination very largely to his own unparalleled stupidity"

cracking your knuckles is like eating Pringles, you can't pop just one.

at the stroke of midnight poetry solicitations turn to poetry submissions.

currently listening to Bob Dylan HOVA.

people who die in tragic industrial blender accidents always die in threes.

I miss the smell of Gundam.

“If the dynamite’s already on the track, you think twice about stepping on the train"

“Your smile makes flowers grow and your tits make them bloom”

seems pretty rational to worship the sun, why'd we stop doing that?

to replace the word "skateboard" with the word "Abraham Lincoln" every time it appears in Thrasher Magazine.

how to make Safeway broccoli salad...better.

"...air lock serving as a decompression chamber for workers."

The Liberal Language Fascists of Washington State of Eastwick!

breakin' bread with my Papa!/ breakin bread!

breakin' bread with my Mama!

what's that saying about poisonous snakes, "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down"...?

"how to avoid chaffed nipples while running."

the lyrics to Salt Peanuts are salt peanuts salt peanuts.

“How do you explain dancing to a person who has no legs?” “I have legs that won’t quit.”

"Did you know that the wettest place on Earth is a small garden island in Hawaii?”

how come whenever they show a "rave party" in a movie the DJ is always playing White Zombie?

I lost my shirt at the Christie's Star Trek auction!

has an initiate ever successfully fought over the gang members jumping him in, and if so, what then?

if you're walking down the street and you find yourself nervously spitting just say out loud "stop spitting".

people in real life are named Kermit: Jazz musician, Roosevelt's son, boxer, former head college football coach at Winston-Salem State U

I'm hemorrhaging fans as fast as my bikini body.

rap music needs to escape the tyranny of the 4/4.

I've tried Frank Zappa, and failed miserably.

women don't shower as much as men.

my hands are melting.

"but the victim was so focused on her low-cut dress that all he could describe to officers afterward were her breasts, SFPD said Thursday."

"creatives"

the soft bigotry of Soft Surrealism.

Americans who insist on calling soccer "football."

people who would say their favorite movie was The Boondock Saints.

people who would say their favorite movie was Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

Joe Pesci was never really liked in Hollywood.

Ryan Gosling has the best Canadian 1970s-New York-working-class-tough-guy-accent I've ever heard.

a Netflix category for people who used to collect The Simpsons toys.

Downton Abbey! YAY!

LYNCHEE KINCHY, COLLY MOLLY, DINGO DINGO!

ME TIE DOUGH-TY WALKER!

help I'm addicted to anime.

"... like one of those super freckly redheads that got phased out in the 80s."

"crumbly ear wax"

I didn't like the part where Batman kicked a tree in half.

is there a more annoying phrase in the English language than "properly poured Guinness"?

"If you taught cell anatomy by saying something like, “Cells make up boobs, and your life is purposeless,” you’d have a lot more teenagers interested in science."

todos somos "person in blanket" at Oberlin College!

Oakland Rapper Pope Emeritus.

Rothko Toast.

Sci-Fi movie about "in the future we will all Sparks Outrage then have our apologies posted on Huff Post/ Gawker Media"...

the center of the universe is a strip mall waxed curb.

my band, Mexicans With Morrisey Tattoos, is playing 924 Gilman tonight, see you there!

you're really tuggin' on my ball-strings there buddy...