Scouting Reports from Zane...

PARKER ZANE ALLEN
SCOUTING REPORTS
MARCH 2005

[written for us, for Opening Day 2005]

ARMAND "THE DEVIL"C. II
RHSP CHICAGO

W 16, L 10, K 150, BB 56, .327 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, CG 5, SO 2, HB 32, WP 4, BAA .217 (.250 R, .178 L), HR 15
BATTING
H 15, .112 BA, 1 SB, 2 3B

SCOUTS NOTES

Excellent Staff Ace...Fireballer who gives batters "the creepies"...biggest break on a back door curve I have seen a RHP have...student of the game, quiet, thoughtful, will teach young rookies...like having another coach...not a misprint hit 32 batters last year...will not be fucked with...Ejected 5 times last year...Umpires tires later found slashed...clubhouse behavior is mixed, some like him, others hate him...stole Sammy Sosa's barbie collection last year and strung the heads around his locker...When confronted C. told Sosa "[The Bodies] are in the ivy, where you're children will be if you ever talk to me again you fucking prick."...ruins lives...is responsable for Rick Ankiel's breakdown, C. was a September call up for the Cardnals that year and was upset that Ankiel got a spot on the postseason roster and not him, Ankiel will only acknowledge that "He (C.) did things to my head, he got in my dreams. I can't get him out of my dreams. You devil I give in I will never pitch again!"...Methadone addiction, though has never done heroin...Gang affiliations...strange sexual proclivities...Will only wear "throwback uniforms"...the devil...he's in my head...I can't get rid of him...

STEVE "O-TOWN" ORTH
CATCHER SAN FRANCISCO

BA .276, H 150, 2B 54, 3B 1, HR 10, RBI 97, R 35, BB 20, K 101, SB 5, CS 12, .325 OBP, .468 SLG DEFENSIVE STATS
E 17, OPP CS 30

SCOUTS NOTES

The arm on this guy is worth a hole in the lineup...impatient swinger, hacker....270's BA and a .320's OBP, not patient at the plate, hits his way on or K's...Clutch hitter, not afraid of anyone...Has called Roger Clemens a Motherfucker to his face and then homered off him...gap hitter, sprays to all fields...good speed but poor baserunning judgment, should have had more triples last year but often stopped short...5-17 SB Att. not a misprint...cancer in a club house "ME" player...Decent switch hitter (RH 296, LH 235) but refuses often to bat lefty...10 ejections in AAA last year...15 days total in Suspensions...Wears Ipod on bench During games...seen leaving early...Possible Drug Problem...

BRANDON "BIG GUY" BROWN
LHRP SAN FRANCISCO


4 W, 5 L (20-32 Career), 13 S, 10 BS, 30/37 Save oppertunities (career) , 4.98 ERA (4.50 career), 271 BAA (RHH .097, LHH .365), WHIP 1.56, 150 K (497 career), 15 BB (67 Career), 27 HR (103 Career)

SCOUT NOTES

Righty Killer who pounds the Strike Zone...Late innings specialist good for 1-2 Batters...Power Pitcher, misses spots but seldom the strike zone...tops at 97-98 on the gun...poor changeup that ends up high in the zone...nasty slider against RHH...Don't you dare ask him to hit...Could be developed into strong set up man poss. closer...Good Clubhouse guy always the first with the rally cap...fan favorite...poss drug problem...

LOGAN "RYAN-FROM-THE-OC" SMITH
3B SAN FRANCISCO/FRESNO


H 120, 2B 56, 3B 0, HR 4, R 100, RBI 84, BA .325, OBP .427, SLG .420, K 92, BB 56, SB 27, CS 5
DEFENSIVE STATS
E 2

Rangy doubles hitter, great glove at the corner with an almost surgical ball placement at the plate... average speed, but reads pitchers like no other...tremendous jumps...competitive spirit, firey...cannon of an arm, used to be a SP...great team member when winning, will defer all praise, poor team member when losing, will defer all blame (Usually to Big Guy Brown)...kills LHP (.410! BA)...Bushleague play, will not hesitate to pop-slide or spike a fielder...3 ejections last year at SF...14 at Fresno (hates AAA ball)...punched a teammate last september, got him demoted...big on "his space"...addicted to porn...new girlfriend every night...hangs out with Nefi Perez, but hates all other Hispanics...filed complaint to Seligs office over not winning Gold Glove insisting that Scott Rolen was a "Nancy-Boy" and that there was collusion between the journalists, QUOTE: "It's not talent that wins these awards, no, it's what will make a good story, I'm not a good enough story. Why? Cause I'm not a fucking all american Pretty Boy, I just play Baseball."...Once seen shouting at teammates from third base during a Phillies Game "Knock me in soon boys I need to take a Shit." after San Francisco Failed to drive him in after two batters, Smith pulled down his pants and moved his bowels on third base, saying "I might as well take a crap right here rather than stand here, the way my team plays." He was Subsequently ejected and Demoted to AAA Fresno...Drug Problem...Drinks before game, but denys it...Believes in Voodoo...Killed a puppy once during winning streak...


JOHN MERK-THE-JERK SAKKIS
LF COLORADO

H 175, 2B 32, 3B 2, HR 45, .625 SLG, .299 BA, .410 OBP, R 62, RBI 110, SB 1, CS 0
DEFENSIVE STATS
Outfiels Asst. 10, E 24

SCOUT NOTES

HUGE BAT, worthless glove...professional hitter on a NL club...could be a DH MVP...strong arm, with good judgement, seen him throw past cut-off man to get a guy at the plate...not good with fans or media...has been fined for flipping off fans (home team fans)...has had four knee surguries in the past five seasons (was out for all of 2002)...loves his mom, made front office have a mothers day celebration...doesn't ask for much, but when he does ask for something he will hold out until he gets it...afraid of snakes, refuses to play diamondbacks...Drinking Problem...possible narcotics ring connection...gambling addiction...hates Jews...poss. homosexual...probable homosexual...TOTALLY GAY...