cast of characters:
me (Armand)
cesar (bartender)
crazy girl
A girl who was at whiskey thieves with a friend, comes up to me & it goes like this:
girl: i know you are gay but...
me: excuse me?
girl: i know you are gay, but I think you are really interesting & i rarely see people that interest me & want you to come & sit with my friend & I. (pause, i stare at the cubs game) listen, i am NOT hitting on you, cause i know u are GAY.
cesar: damn, she said you was GAY!
me: listen, i'm not gay so you know.
girl: you are not? well, the way you are dressed, you're doing a shitty job of being straight!
me: perhaps I shd look like I haven't taken a shower for a week like every other motherfucker in this city, would that be better? only in fucking san francisco would i be called fucking gay for wearing a three piece suit.
girl: where are you from then?
me: chicago
girl: [in british accent] then why are you speaking with a british accent.
me: i'm not
girl: [in british accent] yes you are DAH-LING
me: what are you talking about? Listen to how i talk, i have a chicago accent at times. I AM NOT FROM ENGLAND.
girl: then stop talking with a british accent.
me: oh my fucking god.
girl: there is nothing wrong with being gay.
me: i know there is nothing wrong with being gay [laughing]
girl: don't look over my shoulder while you are talking to me!
me: excuse me?
girl: you have a terrible mother?
me: excuse me (leaning in)
girl: your mother shd have taught you manners! Never look over a woman's shoulder when she is talking to you!
me: excuse me? well, you shouldn't go up to a guy, hit on him, & you WERE attempting to hit on me, and then accuse him of shit within the first few minutes of the conversation.
girl: i wasnt accusing you.
me: you accused me of being gay & having no manners.
girl: you don't have manners.
me: listen, i got plenty of manners, for the right person.
girl: well you arent showing them
me: i know. what i am showing you is my disinterest in you.
girl: oh (still standing there & staring at me)
cesar: listen, just leave him alone. go drink your drink over there, alright?
girl: why are you trying to get into my buisness?
cesar: because if someone doesn't want to talk to you you should leave them alone.
girl: dont talk to me like that.
cesar: i can talk to you like that, because he is a regular & he obviously doesnt want to talk to you.
girl, looks at me
me: (smirking, with my hands up, nodding my head) I just came here to watch the game.
girl: i just thought you were really interesting.
me: staring at game
girl leaves.
15 minutes later, girl is leaving bar. comes up to me
girl: i just wanted to say i am sorry for trying to talk to you. i just thought you were interesting & handsome.
me: we've already went through this.
girl: but that was then.
me: that WAS then
girl: what about now?
me: what about now?
girl: can we try to talk again
me: [laughing] no.
girl: why?
me: listen, you're crazy. please, just go.
girl leaves.
10 minutes later, i go to call orth. i go outside. girl is still standing outside.
girl: can we PLEASE try this again?
me: if i say no AGAIN, are you going to wait till i leave the bar & rape me in an alley?
me to girl: listen, no offense, but you're fucking creepy
THE END
4 comments:
do you mean, a true account ....
armand...you will regret this sad sad rejection of a girl obviously in love with you dammit!!! :) this reminds me of Cassady's letters...now we need Armands blog post!
OMG, ILMN, ISG...(oh my god, I love my neighborhood, its so great.)
Yes, this was a great read. What bar was this?
whiskey thieves in the tenderloin.
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